Can someone please shut him up!?

Hank Steinbrenner is the worst team figurehead in the history of sports. Though his time in the spotlight as head of the New York Yankees has been brief, the self-serving and bumbling idiot has managed to have more outrageous comments flashed across the top of ESPN News than the easily agitated “sweet Lou” Pinella, the always cocky Terrell Owens, and the emperor himself, daddy George, combined.

Hank has become venom to both the New York Yankees franchise and Major League Baseball in general.

This new Sith Lord is driven only by his need for attention and his hate for anybody who has even looked at the Bronx-Bomber franchise in the wrong light.

Hank has criticized and irked everybody from his rival teams, the Boston Red Sox in particular, to ESPN, to the once beloved New York manager Joe Torre.

The simple fact is that Hank’s team is on its way out, and he knows it.

His team, winless in the fall classic for the past seven seasons, is handing off the reins of power in the AL east to the Boston Red Sox. Hank is desperate to keep his team on top in both the standings and the news.

In his most recent effort to grab the headlines, Hank spouted off at an employee, Gino Castignoli, who had been hired to help with the construction of the new Yankee Stadium. Castignoli, a Brooklyn native and Red Sox fan, buried a David Ortiz jersey under the visitor’s clubhouse. Once Hank had heard about “jersey-gate,” he became enraged saying that the Yankees were going to pursue charges against the guy.

Craving his weekly ESPN comment, Hank then spat out another winning phrase. “I hope his co-workers kick the shit out of him. It’s total bullshit.”

This isn’t the first time that Hank has lost control though.

A few months ago, when asked about the ever growingly popular Red Sox nation, Hank really lost it.

“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of bullshit that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

We’re going to restore the universe to order? He really believes that the Yankees are the “Evil Empire?” Somebody needs to tell him that we Sox fans were just joking. But maybe it should be true. After all, the new Sith Lord, Darth Maul, did get cut in half before the first prequel was over. Maybe we’ll get lucky and experience a similar ending.

Okay, that’s enough poking fun at Hank with Star Wars references. Hank is a serious issue for us fans who just want to enjoy the game for what it is and not deal with all of the high school drama. A muzzle needs to be put on Hank’s Jabba the Hut sized mouth right now. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

One question I ask myself quite often is why isn’t our great baseball comish, Bud Selig, on top of this situation. He has become so concerned with the image of baseball recently, that this Hank situation should be a top priority for him. A lot of fans who watch the game are younger children who idolize these public figures. Hank is not setting a good example for young children who are bombarded by the comments 24-7, nor is he drawing fans to the game with his upbeat demeanor. Selig should find a way to get Hank out of the public image. It will be for the good of baseball fans everywhere, and for the good of the Yankees franchise.

Unfortunately Hank does not appear to be going away quickly. And with the Yankees falling more and more to the Red Sox each day and Hank getting more volatile each time a Red Sox hat is sold, it will continue to get worse and worse until the day comes when Hank is either straightened out by his daddy, kicked out by Selig, our cut in half by Obi-Wan-Kenobi’s light saber.

— John Shramek

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