Letters from the Spartan Spy: who am I?

Dear Spartyers,

            Did you miss me? Winter break is an awful long time to go without being fully aware of your evening escapades. Lucky for you I have eyes everywhere, and as I’ve said before, I don’t miss much.

            The true Spartyers know that a sober holiday is hardly a holiday at all and have mastered the art of throwing a few back with mom and dad. I applaud those of you who took advantage of the opportunity to drink alcohol that surpasses PBR and Crown Russe in quality; I’m sure your liver is grateful as well.

            Christmas drinking is easily sufficed because Jesus even turned his water into wine and it’s the most opportune time to take an extra swig at Communion. Plus, with the proper inebriation, it’s impossible to unwrap a bad gift.

            With the New Year comes a new set of scandals. Some Spartyers found themselves questioning the person they found themselves lip locked with as the ball dropped and others were left to wonder why they got the cold shoulder.

            I’m not sure of the omen you should expect for 2013 if you spent New Year’s morning vomiting in a gas station parking lot as parents and children passed. However, I can venture a guess that your intoxicated exit from 2012 would have been worth the memory.

            I commend those of you who were so scholastically inclined as to take J-term classes. Some of you Sparty Hardy’s sought to take advantage of the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone and drink on tropical islands while getting course credit-too bad your resort prohibited alcohol consumption.

 Being stranded on an alcohol-free island on your 21stbirthday may seem crueler than Chinese water torture but your celebrating could have been executed much better because your intoxicated stumbles proved to be less than subtle. Nothing says happy birthday like having to pay for your own ticket on the next plane home and losing course credit.

            According to Hallmark, February is the time that love should be in the air, but here at the Castle it’s the time to bring an end to the dry spells that may have incurred over the long winter’s break.

            Those of you trying to rekindle old flames better hope you’re not really just getting burned by a certain Spartyer jumping in sheets looking to light anyone’s fire.

            Sports teams on this campus are no stranger to scandal and rumor has it that a manager may be putting in some “extra effort” to get her players ready for game day; and who says you can’t mix business with pleasure?

            Can you guess me yet Castleton? Hold on, with this start something tells me it’s going to be a blurry spring. But don’t worry; I’ll shed light to those nights you lose to your blackouts. Keep looking for more letters from the Spartan Spy to see if you’ve been spotted.

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