Senior Column

I just spent about 10 minutes watching two British dudes chew and swallow a Naga Viper pepper on YouTube. Then I went and watched all their other videos because it was awesome. The Naga Viper is the new record holder as the hottest chili pepper on planet Globage. It beat out the former champ, the Bhut Jolokia, or “Ghost Chili”. Awesome names going around the pepper world. Peppers are rated on the Scoville Scale. It measures the heat of a pepper by tracking the presence of a chemical compound. And then there were more big words with a lot of syllables explaining the scale while I was researching. Basically a Naga Viper is like a million times hotter than Jalapeños.

I wouldn’t eat one. Not for money or anything. These dudes were in serious pain. The lengths people go to for spice in their foods is redonkulous. Are peoples’ taste buds just really bland? Why would you want to take decent food and blast it with fire?

I get it, “it spices it up.” I like spicy foods too and can taste the different flavors from peppers, but I would like to keep tasting things after I’m done. “This is bland” boom, spicy. That’s how I handle it. Not, “this isn’t spicy enough, let me dominate it with everything so I can’t even move my tongue.”

How are peppers getting spicier and spicier like they’re phone updates? (Enough with the 3G and 4G stuff by the way. I’ll be talking into a 10G a year from now.) Some psycho just HAD to breed the Naga Viper. What’s next? The Gasoline Viper? Thank you. Doesn’t he watch what the Ghost Chili does to people online? Or what it does to my hero, Adam Richman on “Man vs. Food?” A little pepper and two dumb Brits just put so many questions in my head about food in the world. That creepy bald dude Andrew Zimmer eats the weirdest crap too on his show. I saw him suck bee larva out of a hive once-no lie. Why not pit him up against my boy, Richman and see who can eat the most Naga Vipers? Anthony Bourdain can referee and look down his glass of red wine in shame at the two of them. I’ll call it, “Man vs. Man vs. Food vs. Death.” How’s that for a publicity stunt Travel Channel? Please, please, make the check out to Mr. Mike DelDotto. Gracias

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