M&M’s caught up in a woke war

It was the Saturday before spring semester classes in a random Queensbury McDonalds. I was peacefully enjoying my McFlurry, trying to soak up some free time before the new semester, when I suddenly realized I had made a fatal mistake.

I ordered the M&M’s instead of the Oreo.

How am I supposed to enjoy a frosted snack with so much controversy? With each spoonful, I could hear the cries of the three female spokescandies; Brown, Purple, and most tragically of all, Green.

Proudly add my name to the Change.org petition to “Keep the Green M&M Sexy,” and bring my girl’s boots back!

It all started when M&M’s released a limited-edition pack of the candies this January, an assortment of brown, purple, and green ones (aka the female spokescandies), the packaging reading, “Supporting Women: Flipping the Status Quo.”

To support the theme of female empowerment, M&M’s changed the three mascots’ shoes from more traditionally feminine styles to what they thought was more gender neutral. The Green’s sexy go-go boots were tossed for sneakers. The Brown’s stilettos swapped for work heels. And the latest addition purple one – well – it’s not the shoes people are upset about.

They’re just mad she’s “plus sized.”

At the forefront of the revolution is self-proclaimed “alpha male,” Nick Adams, who took to Twitter with an impassioned rant, standing outside M&M’s World in Times Square, NY, on Jan. 12.

He urged his audience to immediately boycott of M&M’s and shamed the parent company, Mars Inc., for what he considers “Egregious sexism of the worst and most conceivable kind” against men.

And if you happen to be a dude who likes M&M’s, be ready to hand over your “man card” (you know, like the ones you get at the DMV).

“Let me say this unambiguously: any male that buys a packet of M&M’s from today forward must hand in their man card because they are a soft, woke, beta male-feminist, who has serious, serious problems,” Adams said.

Reaching over 13.5 million views, the Twitter clip sparked controversy and rallying cries from America’s top conservatives.

Like Fox News Political Commentator, Tucker Carlson.

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous, until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them,” said Carlson, insinuating that he ever would go out to drinks with them. “That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won.”

I think he’s using the phrase “arm candy” a bit too literally.

But suddenly, this isn’t about sexism. It’s also about China.

“I think that makes China say, ‘Oh, good, keep focusing on that. Keep focusing on giving people their own color M&M’s while we take over all of the mineral deposits in the entire world,” added fellow Fox News anchor Martha MacCallum.

I learned about logical fallacies last year in my Connections class. I think this one would be slippery slope?

All this heat was just too hot to handle, so M&M’s pulled the new candies off the shelf.

In an official Twitter statement released on Jan. 23, not even two weeks after the product launch, the company announced they would take “an indefinite pause from the spokescandies.”

It took an M&M’s woke war to realize that “even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing.”

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