Election night was an emotional time for me. Watching president-elect Barack Obama take the stage at Grant Park in Chicago brought a tear to my eye. Was it because I was witnessing history on a magnificent scale? No. It must have been Obama’s unwavering rhetoric that pulled at my heartstrings? Nope. Maybe it was seeing a sobbing Oprah draped on the shoulders of some stranger that got to me? That wasn’t it either.
I struggled to find the reason that I felt so moved. Then, quicker than Obama could spit out another “Yes We Can,” I realized the source of my overwhelming emotion. I am going to miss George W. Bush (and so will you). Let me explain.
First of all, it’s the liberal bunch of college students that will miss Bush the most. Why? Because the news just became somewhat serious again. And by news I mean our source of news, primarily produced and aired on Comedy Central.
The day after the election, I watched “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” and let me be quite bold in my prediction that the program will last no longer than one more calendar year. After ten minutes of post-election news, Stewart looked into the camera and asked, “How am I supposed to make this stuff funny?”
There are no jokes to make about Obama. The man is eloquent, authoritative, intelligent, and statuesque. And worst of all, every word he speaks can be found in the dictionary. This is ridiculous and unacceptable.
Bush was the master at keeping the press on their toes by throwing in the occasional Bushism, a word or phrase that is either incorrect or completely fabricated. For instance, I will guarantee that Obama never uses the words “strategery” or “misunderestimated” in his four-year presidential term.
Think about it people: would you rather have a president that makes you chuckle or a president that makes you fell stupid because he is so incredibly bright? Thought so.
Another reason that I will miss Bush is on a more personal level. I have been on the waiting list for the annual Bush-Cheney bird hunt since 2001. I have practiced tirelessly and honed my 20-gauge shotgun skills to perfection.
Rumor has it that if one is selected for the prestigious hunt and returns from the woods unscathed, he or she receives the Golden Quail, a medal recognizing the hunter’s bravery for walking side-by-side with Bush and Cheney who are both wielding loaded weapons.
In order to dodge the firestorm of birdshot, one must be incredibly elusive, just ask Texas attorney, Harry Whittington. The medal ranks just below the Purple Heart, and has been the apple of my eye for years.
I will miss Bush for his outright rebellious nature. Geneva Convention? To hell with that. We should be able to torture anyone who threatens national security. I can’t believe he stopped at water-boarding. That would not work against Simon Cowell, our nation’s greatest threat at the moment. We need to take limbs.
What about the separation of church and state? Jefferson was an idiot and Bush knows it. If we can trust God on the dollar bill, we can trust him in Iraq. The middle-east is our new frontier, full of riches to be had and villages to pillage and burn at the discretion of a crooked administration. It’s Manifest Destiny at work again and Obama is going to blow it for us by pulling out – of Iraq, of course.
If we are going to save our country, we need to allow Bush to run again in 2012, preferably unchallenged. We are going to need him to relieve the people after the next four years that are bound to bring about a stabilized economy, an improved health care system, and an introduction to more alternative energy. That doesn’t sound entertaining at all. I already have his campaign slogan, “Off the shelf, Bush in ’12.”
That’s my strategery, who’s gonna join me?