On Saturday, Feb. 2, The Commission on Family Recognition and Protection held the eighth out of nine public hearings throughout the state, providing Vermonters the opportunity to speak about same-sex marriage. I was planning on attending, really, but things came up. Not to mention the well-known fact that gayness is contagious. Seriously.

Listen to this: In July of 2000, after civil unions went into effect in Vermont, on I-91, someone put up a sign on the Massachusetts side that stated: “Leaving the Bay State, Entering the Gay State.”

And now, eight years later, Massachusetts is the ONLY state that allows same-sex marriage. Coincidence? I think not! Gayness is contagious, like a disease, and Vermont and Massachusetts have been touching each other for too long.

If same-sex marriages were legal, gays would be allowed to purchase Family Health Insurance and visit each other in the hospital. Sweet pumpernickel, they’d even be able to file joint income tax returns.

The fact is that same-sex marriages are incredibly harmful to the heterosexual institution that we call marriage. As everyone knows, same-sex couples set bad examples. Gay people are not, and never can be, role models, even if there are plenty of gay people who contribute to society.

Just because gays believe that they are equal to heterosexuals, doesn’t make them. Case in point: Gay men want to get married. The heterosexual men that I know never want to get married; they just end up getting tied down by the old ball and chain. Clearly, any man that really wants to get married is not the brightest color in the rainbow.

Homosexuality is not natural. I know this because religion doesn’t support gay marriage. If they do get married, what will start happening? Gays will breed gays. Ha! Or at least adopt them, but kids need role models. Normal ones, NOT same-sex ones. That’s why here in America single parents are not legally allowed to raise children.

The constitution says that all men are created equal. Those who want same-sex marriage want equality, gay and lesbian women getting the same rights as heterosexuals.

We live in a society where our pets can be married; where you can marry off your Cockadoodle to your neighbor’s Schnoodle for the mere sum of $14.99. Granted, no legislation has ever been passed to legally allow these pet nuptials, but no one’s ever tried to stop it either. Does this mean that we hold the equality of gay men and women to be less than that of our animal companions? You’re damn right it does.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that we lived in one of those “progressive” societies. I mean, there’s those scraggly-haired hippies everywhere – guys selling dope in front of Wal-Mart and bumper-stickers on every other car either counting down the precious days until our dear old president is out of office or sporting one of those wretched peace symbols (as if peace is ever going to be attainable).

Even the stop signs in our little town say not only “Stop,” but “Stop the war.” So imagine my surprise when I hear that the professor who merely organized a campus vehicle to go to this same sex marriage hearing and sent out a campus-wide email stating as much, received as many as 25 hate e-mails from currently enrolled CSC students, some even veiled with threats and words like “Support them. hell no, fags should be burned alive.”

Basically it just comes down to the fact that same-sex marriage isn’t normal. Society wants normal people to represent our morally normal land of the free. So same-sex marriage isn’t normal, but why stop there? Why not deny marriage licenses to any one who has bad skin, is overweight, or under 5’6.” According to fashion magazines and society’s standards, these people aren’t normal either.

The thing is marriage sucks and it’s a joke. Turn on any sitcom and you’ll see why. Our divorce rates are higher than ever, but really this means nothing, as the sacred obligation of marriage is to procreate and often people do that before they get divorced.

Why should we have same-sex marriages when the constitution never allowed for it? Same-sex couples already have civil unions. Oh they say: Civil unions, well that’s a separate institution. We want the same one! Bah. We had separate schools and restrooms for African Americans, and it worked fine. In fact, I propose gay and straight water fountains.

Heterosexuals should be equipped with that thing the gays call gaydar, so that we can point them out for who they are and we can deny gays other rights too, like voting and education and minimum wage.