Baseball is back people! Yeah I know what you’re thinking. ‘Justin, who the hell watches baseball anymore?’ I do, and there were some solid bloopers, so I’ll fill you in on what the hell happened.

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The Gary Sanchez era in NY is over, and his time in Minnesota has begun.

His first game with the Twins got off to a rough start.

0-3.

Yikes.

BUT, he has a chance to turn it all around.

Bottom of the ninth, down by one with two outs and a runner on. A homer wins it all.

Boy, he clubbed that ball too.

Deep to left field.

It’s high.

It’s far.

And it’s caught at the wall.

Maaaaaan that sucks for him, but maybe he had it coming?

When he hit the ball, he was convinced it was gone, so he did what everyone does, and busted out the ol’ bat flip.

Bat flips are meant for no-doubters, not hits that get caught.

Gary’s just used to hitting porch-jobs at Yankee stadium.

Gary Sanchez, what the hell happened?

— 

*Bear with me folks, I promise there will be football coming up, just a little bit longer.*

Next up we’ve got some Dodgers stuff.

The LA Dodgers had as good a start as they could’ve hoped for, and team legend Clayton Kershaw followed suit.

Until it was taken away from him.

Clayton Kershaw opened up his first start of the season with seven perfect innings.

Nobody reached base with him on the mound.

And he only threw 80 pitches too.

Kershaw has a no-hitter in his career, but there have only been 23 perfect games in history.

To be fair, he didn’t technically lose the perfect game, but he also didn’t get a chance to.

The fucking manager yanked him out of the game!

Dave Roberts, you asshole!

Two innings away from a potential perfect game, and they pull him!?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that it’s the first start of the season, so every pitcher in the league had a short leash.

But I don’t care what circumstances and I don’t care how many pitches. I’m not pulling out my pitcher until he loses that perfect game, or wants to be pulled.

Dave Roberts, what the hell happened?

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Time for funny shit.

College baseball, Houston vs. Sam Houston.

Houston trails 6-5 in the eighth inning when Brandon Uhse cranks a three-run shot over the left field wall to take an 8-6 lead.

Here’s the deal. In this exact moment, Brandon Uhse feels like, and probably is, the coolest person on planet Earth.

He pimps the homer.

He watches it fly into the night.

He nails the bat-flip.

He hits ‘em with the slow trot.

And as he rounds first base he goes from feeling like the coolest guy ever…

To feeling like the most moronic guy ever.

He trips on first base, and totally wipes out, sliding head-first into the dirt.

Everybody laughs at him, because that’s what you do, but he wasn’t laughing at all.

Bro, when you make an idiot of yourself, you’ve gotta be able to laugh at yourself, or else it’s no fun for anybody.

Brandon Uhse, what the hell happened?

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Alrighty, it’s biggest loser time, and this time it goes to Dan Snyder and the Washington Commanders.

The Commanders, as they’re now called, have been under a microscope for a while now, but have recently been exposed for numerous scandals.

Like, it’s bad.

First off, there are sexual misconduct scandals, with accusations coming from a bunch of former employees.

Now there’s also a bunch of financial issues.

They altered their records to hide revenue, which made them more profits that the league didn’t know about.

To be honest with you, I’m no expert on accounting or financial stuff, so I can’t exactly explain what the hell happened, but long story short:

They could possibly owe money to visiting teams, and their own fans.

Yikes.

Dan Snyder, what the hell happened?