Well, here we are ladies and gents. The last crop of stupid sports bloopers, and my last time telling you what the hell happened, and jeez was there a lot to break down. Like I could probably fill a whole page of the paper if I wanted to with all the shit from the last few weeks.
Sadly, I can’t fit it all into the blog, so before we start, I want to give a quick dishonorable mention to:
Aaron Rodgers, for putting his toe on display at a press conference, and holding it up to the camera for everyone to see. Aaron Rodgers, what the hell happened?
Baker Mayfield for making his teammates angry at him, and his players’ dads angry at him. Baker Mayfield, what the hell happened?
The ESPN announcers on Monday night for accidentally calling the Washington Football Team by their old name, the Redskins. I get it guys, calling them the football team makes no sense, and I make this mistake too, except I don’t do it on live television. What the hell happened?
Word count’s gonna be high, but there was too much going on in these past few weeks to only have four pieces.
Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
First up, we’ve got the LA Rams.
Dude, I was rooting for them to go all the way, but now it’s not looking so good.
They signed former Super Bowl MVP, former Defensive Player of the Year, and future Hall of Fame linebacker Von Miller.
And the NFC super power has been on a three game losing streak ever since.
They were really good to start this season, I mean they beat Brady earlier on, which is apparently impossible due to Brady’s pact with Satan (Trust me guys, Satan’s definitely involved. There’s no way he’s this old and plays this well).
To start their current three-game skid, Matthew Stafford threw to picks, including a pick-six against the Titans.
Then they got Odell Beckham Jr. going into a division matchup against the 49ers. Odell didn’t do anything, and Stafford threw two more picks, including another pick-six.
Then Stafford threw another pick-six in a loss to the Packers.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. Three straight games with a pick-six. Jesus, that’ll get you on the list.
Also, just wanna throw it out there that Aaron Donald straight up choked a guy. He looked like the Undertaker doing a choke-slam. Luckily for Donald, I’m scared of him so he’s not on the list, which means Matthew Stafford, it’s just you bro, what the hell happened?
Ok, now I feel ashamed that I almost let this next one slip by me. I saw the clip when it happened on Sunday, but It almost got by because I honestly thought there was no way this guy was playing on Sunday.
Ladies and gentlemen I don’t believe it, I thought we were done with him, but we’ve got another Zach Wilson appearance!
If the Jets’ past handful of seasons were to be summed up in one play, this would probably be it.
Zach Wilson steps up, he looks to his running back, Ty Johnson, standing literally five yards away, and he does a safe little shovel pass to him. There’s literally no way to botch this play.
Ty Johnson, turns his back to Wilson just as he goes to toss it, so it hits Johnson right in the back, and rolls off straight into the defender’s arms.
You guys know i’m gonna get the clip for you. (Links to an external site.)
Now to be fair, under normal circumstances this would pretty much totally be the fault of Ty Johnson, but having Zach Wilson at quarterback isn’t a normal circumstance. I’ve got to put some of it on him.
And the announcers even blame him, so I’m just gonna rock with it.
The Jets ended up winning that game somehow, but nevertheless this play still happened.
The thing is, I was honestly willing to dismiss this because I thought Wilson was done, but I double checked and realized he was playing, so I rearranged my list to squeeze him in here.
Do I throw too much dirt on Wilson? Probably.
Is it getting old? Also probably.
But I’m gonna say it anyway, because it’s too much fun for me. Zach Wilson, what the hell happened?
Now we’ve got a true comedy bit here. Trust me this one’s pretty good.
Anyone who tuned in to Cam Newton’s return game with the Panthers vs. the Cardinals a few weeks ago knows that (as he announced) HE’S BAAAAAACK! HE’S BAAAAAACK!
Yeah, back on the bench.
I mean, get a load of this guy. This past Sunday versus the Dolphins, Cam threw an incredible 5 for 21, with 92 yards and two picks.
He obviously got benched for the 4th quarter.
His quarterback rating was 5.8. For context, a qbr of around 80 is the benchmark for a decent game, and the highest per game is 158.3.
Like my old man says, the purest form of comedy is the kind that writes itself.
To rub some dirt in the wound, he somehow managed to perform historically badly against the Dolphins of all teams.
Shit. Sorry Dave (Blow), I meant to say the Dolphins did what they do best and crushed it. We cool?
Anyways, I’m just glad my Pats ditched his sorry ass.
Cam Newton, what the hell happened?
Now time for the biggest loser, and trust me, I’ve been waiting for weeks to talk about this. So without further ado, this time we’ve got the Shitsburgh – I mean – Pittsburgh Steelers.
Like, where do I even start?
The Steelers got bailed out by the refs BIG TIME just to barely beat the Chicago Bears. They needed a late “taunting” penalty (God this new rule sucks) to win.
The next week they faced the winless Detroit Lions, and I mean they didn’t lose. Right?
But they didn’t win either.
How are you gonna tie with the Detroit Lions? I mean that’s asking to make the list. But hey, props to the Lions for embarrassing them. Keep up the good work guys, you’ll win one soon.
Then they lost to the Chargers. Fine. The Chargers are a solid team. It takes a really good team like the Patriots to beat them.
The problem is, when Steelers defensive lineman Cam Heyward tackled Chargers quarterback Justin Herbert. Heyward rolled Herbert onto his back, and punched him right in the gut. Straight WWE shit.
Then they got absolutely mauled by the Cincinnati Bengals this past Sunday.
Big Ben needs to just retire. I mean I know the paycheck’s nice, but he looks absolutely awful out there.
Say it with me folks. Pittsburgh, what the hell happened?