White Girl Wasted

Throughout my career as a semi-professional drinker (I’ll get that professional deal soon don’t you worry), I have witnessed an array of drunk behavior that never ceases to amaze me. Just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all, your drunk friend starts searching your backpack because they think their backpack is inside of yours.

Among the many hilarious behaviors I’ve witnessed, many can be associated with someone who is “white girl wasted.” The term was coined by Stephen Hawking in 2009 after he attended a frat party at Arizona State University. Hawking had a break in his studies of theoretical physics and was shocked by the drinking culture among these white college girls.

Today, “white girl wasted” is a tag that can be placed on people of all genders and races. The term has grown to represent the alcohol-infused belligerency in people of all shapes and sizes. So go ahead, look in the mirror, because there’s a chance you’ve been “white girl wasted” yourself.

7 Signs you might be “White Girl Wasted"

7. You puke during the pregame. Don’t confuse this with the “boot and rally”, which is the complete opposite of being white girl wasted because it’s manly as f*ck. Someone who is white girl wasted will puke during the pregame, and then be put to bed by the “mom” of the group.

6. You cry during the pregame. If you’re crying your eyes out before you leave to a party because your boyfriend Ryan is a “f*cking d*ck and he can have all the sluts he snapchats”, you’re probably white girl wasted and you should call it a night. If you’re a guy and you cry during the pregame you probably should give up drinking altogether. Unless you just need a good cry, we all need a good cry sometimes. I will lend anyone my shoulder for a good healthy cry. I might go get a good cry in after I’m done this blog post. I deserve it.

5. You fall on your face on the way to the party. If you break your nose on the pavement on the way to the party, you’re white girl wasted.

4. You twerk at the party. If you’re upside down with your feet on the wall, shaking your ass, at any point in the night, you’re white girl wasted. I’ve even seen guys do this and it’s as mentally scarring as you can imagine.

3. You try to makeout with everyone and everything at the party. This isn’t even limited to people. I’ve seen a girl make out with a mirror before; it was kind of hot….just kidding but hey, if you think your reflection is that attractive then you must be doing something right.

2.You go cross-eyed and start speaking in different languages. I don’t think the words “Cohmmsh oooov spssss” belong to any other language than “white girl wasted.

1. You use the toilet seat as a pillow. When you’re that drunk, the germ-infested porcelain seat might as well be a temperpedic pillow from bed bath and beyond. Whether you barricade yourself in the bathroom at a stranger’s apartment, or you end the night peacefully with the comfort of hugging your own toilet, you still deserve the title “white girl wasted.”

Now that I’ve said “white girl wasted” 100 times, I think we should all agree to never use the term ever again. Ok? Cool.

 Love ya bye.