Published: Monday, April 30, 2012
Updated: Tuesday, May 1, 2012 13:05
For as long as I can remember I’ve always had a plan, and that plan has always consisted of school. Year after year I always knew what was coming next – another year of school. But now, in a little less than three weeks, I’ll be done with school forever. Just the thought of it makes my throat feel tight and my heart beat faster. Why? Because I’m scared. Because for the first time in my life I don’t have a plan, and I have no idea what’s coming next. And that is a very, very scary thing.
I know I’m not the only senior out there that feels that way, either. Or, at least I hope I’m not. I wanted to move out of my dad’s house immediately following graduation, but with the state of the job market and the economy it’s not looking like that’s very feasible. So I’m going to be one of those nest-returning students that goes home and lives with my dad until… when? How long will it take to save up enough money to move? How long will it take to find a real, decent paying job? These are questions that I can’t answer. I don’t think I’ll be able to answer them until that day I get a letter or a phone call or whatever saying “hey, you’ve got a job.”
There’s a song by The Material that goes “lately I’ve been feeing like a bird without its wings.” That singular quote is painstakingly accurate for my current situation as a college graduate.
I feel stuck in this weird kind of limbo state of wanting my independence and freedom, but not actually being able to reach it. On top of fear, enter frustration, and on top of that, enter sadness.
I don’t know about any of the rest of the seniors, but I’ve been an emotional wreck lately because I realized that I’m leaving the campus and the people I fell in love with. And I don’t just mean my boyfriend Nick, either. I mean my best friends, the Spartan staff, my SOS friends, my professors, everyone. I’ve met so many wonderful, amazing, beautiful people during my time here at Castleton, and while some of those friendships faded, I’ll never forget how much they meant, how just knowing them somehow me as a person, no matter how minor. I’ve grown so much in the past four years, and it’s a result of knowing and meeting some of the best people I’ve ever known.
Basically, I feel like when I leave Castleton I’m leaving my whole life. I know that’s probably melodramatic and not true, but that’s what it feels like. Because for the past four years Castleton has been my whole life. And the fact that now I’m graduating, and being forced to leave it behind is depressing and emotional and scary. Leaving one life for another life that will start some time in the indefinite near-far future is… well it’s horrible.
I do apologize for being incredibly depressing. I really do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to graduate. Belieeeve me I’m excited to graduate, but there’s something about the fear that’s overpowering. I’m definitely more afraid than I am excited, and that’s simpoly because I have no idea what’s going to happen next. I’ve enjoyed my time here at Castleton more than I’ll ever be able to express, and I’ll miss it so incredibly much.