I’m a cat person.Not because of their glowing evil eyes, or their ability to scale the various bookshelves in my apartment with ninja-like gusto — but because they’re teases. Few animals are cocky enough to make you really work for their companionship like those feisty felines do. You need to earn their love. They don’t whore it out to just anyone: I respect that.

But I’m also a bit of a dog lover.

Lately, I’ve become all the more inclined to go out, defy my landlord, and purchase a sweet, soft, loving little wiener – excuse me, dachshund – dog; all because of the psychotic sickos in the news.

By now, I’m sure many of you may have stumbled across that Internet video of a U.S. marine and a small, cutesy-looking, puppy. The video has made headlines lately, and has been circulating viral sites like YouTube and Ebaum’s World for weeks now.

For those who haven’t seen it, I’ll sum it up: The marine grabs the puppy by the scruff of its neck, smiles at the camera, then hurls the crying animal through the air to its inevitable doom at the bottom of a cliff. So I heard, anyway. I haven’t the heart or the balls to watch it for myself.

But that’s not the only abused pooch making the news these days.

A few days ago, the Rutland Herald ran a story about a Bellows Falls, Vt. man who bludgeoned a snuggly Jack Russell Terrier to within inches of its life, then stuffed it in a freezing snow bank and left it to die. Miraculously, the dog – Rudy — somehow managed to overcome the odds and survive the whole ordeal. The guy responsible, Edward Grysko, was charged with aggravated cruelty to animals and now faces jail time.

In both incidents, naturally, people are pissed.

As I sip my coffee and look at these two incidents in detail, I’m left feeling a great deal of sickened sadness for the victims — and complete and utter bloodlust for the attackers.

It’s times like these I wish I owned a Peacemaker and lived in Texas.

I honestly can’t begin to fathom the mentality one must possess in order to take pleasure in such acts of sadistic violence. Sure, I love Grand Theft Auto and slasher flicks as much as the next guy. But would I actually go out in the real world and torture just for the erotic thrill of it all?

I’d honestly love to waterboard that puppy-chucking marine with gallons of boiling rubbing alcohol and rusty nails. I wouldn’t mind watching that Jack Russell Terrier make a Sunday brunch out of its attacker’s scrotum, either. But that’s just me.

Wait — doesn’t that make me equally sick in the head? To cackle in delight as something is tortured and tormented? I suppose it does. Then again, I don’t think I’d be the type of person to lash out erratically at something that didn’t have it coming in the first place — which these two lunatics clearly do.

I mean come on. How screwed up in the head do you have to be to beat an old dog with a tire iron, or toss a fresh-faced pup over the edges of oblivion? They don’t even have the stones to pick on something that might present a challenge and fight back. Did daddy never hug you enough? Or are you just compensating for something?

I’m not a violent man. I just yell in print a lot. And I don’t like seeing people get their jollies off at the expense of threatening an animal’s health. I’m the type of person who sees a family of deer grazing in a thicket and thinks about what a great photo it would make – not how good their heads would look hanging over my fireplace.